Dave Rudolf: “Dave Rudolf’s Completely Cracked Christmas!” (1999) CD Review

Dave Rudolf has recorded more than forty albums in his career (so far), so it is no surprise that there is at least one Christmas album among them. Actually, there are three. The first was released back in 1999. Titled Dave Rudolf’s Completely Cracked Christmas!, this disc contains parodies of some of the most well-known holiday songs, including “Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!” and “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.” In these troubling and divisive times, we could all use a little humor. This is a fun album, certainly, but it also sounds great, in part because of the presence of a choir on some tracks. Also joining Dave Rudolf on this release are Jamie Wirt on bass, guitar and drum programming; Rick Ariail on keyboards; Jim Widlowski on drums; Dave Stone on guitar; Keith Baumann on mandolin, pedal steel and guitar; Michael Kranicke on guitar; Tim Anderson on trumpet; Tom Anderson on trombone; and Frank Clark on saxophone. The album was produced by Dave Rudolf and Jamie Wirt.

The album’s opening track, “Fruitcakes For Christmas,” begins with a traditional-sounding instrumental take on “Silver Bells,” a short, sweet introduction. It then kicks in to become a fun, swinging, rockin’ song about that most dreaded gift, the fruitcake. I love the backing vocalists echoing lines and phrases like “What’s that smell” and “Tube sock.” A lot of the joy for me comes from that backing vocal work. But also, this song features some nice work from the horn players, and on keys. This track gets the album off to a good start. Then Dave Rudolf takes “Jolly Old St. Nicholas” and makes it “Folly, Old St. Nicholas,” a song about a sleigh accident on the interstate caused by Santa rushing because he was running late. “Flying old St. Nicholas, you took out traffic lights/There’s reindeer and some broken toys strewn across the site.” The backing vocalists add another layer of joy to this song too. This one called to mind Elvis Costello, because of the lead vocal work, even before the end when he sings, “We hope your aim is good,” of course reminding us of “Alison,” where Elvis sings “My aim is true.”

“Greensleeves” is one of the most beautiful pieces of music that, because of lyrics added later, has, as “What Child Is This,” become associated with this holiday. Here “What Child Is This” becomes “What Present’s This.” Dave Rudolf steps aside on lead vocals, and Megan McDonough sings lead, doing an excellent job. This track made me laugh almost immediately. Check out these lines, which open the song: “What present’s this underneath the tree/The tag fell off, it’s a mystery/It’s big and bright, and we all stare/For no one remembers how it got there.” Wonderful, right? And they begin to argue about who deserves the present. I especially love these lines: “Yours, yours, get a clue/No one would spend that much on you.” The mystery is solved before the end of the song. Then “Do You Hear What I Hear” becomes “Do You Fear What I Fear.” In this one, he takes on the character of a country bumpkin. And there is another character named Bubba Ray, a hunter who bags a different sort of game and ruins Christmas.

“O Tannenbaum” (also known as “O Christmas Tree”) becomes “Oh Tom Got Bombed,” recounting one of the holiday’s better traditions, getting completely inebriated and making an ass of oneself. “Yes, he was a drunk, it was a sight/To see him strangled by the lights/Oh, Tom got bombed/Oh, Tom got bombed/And threw up on the Christmas tree.” And I’m curious what Miss Larabie looks like, what with Tom mistaking the tree for her. This one is goofy and delightful, and features some nice work on keys. Then we get the sound of a full choir on “Mark And Harold,” which, as I mentioned, is wonderful. “Maybe we’re just sentimental/Can you do an instrumental?/Go away/Please don’t sing a single word.” Ah yes, there is probably someone in your family that you wish would not sing during the holidays (or ever). You will absolutely enjoy this number. That’s followed by “Candy Cane Twist,” another fun one, with a classic rock and roll vibe, particularly the work on saxophone. The vocal work again reminds me at times of Elvis Costello. “Oh, dancing through the season/Oh, it’s on my Christmas list/Oh, to do the candy cane twist.” This is an original number by Dave Rudolf.

“The Little Drummer Boy” is one of my favorite holiday songs, and on this disc, Dave Rudolf puts a different sort of spin on it. The male backing vocalists at the beginning sing, “Dumb, dumb/He’s really dumb, dumb.” Then he comes in: “Dumb, they called me/It’s true, I suppose/I didn’t know my tongue/Could freeze to a hose/Outside in frigid cold you don’t quench your thirst/When body parts get frozen, it really hurts.” Oh yes. “So I’ll be right here, looking real dumb/When the ambulance comes.” And then he reveals some of his beliefs to further prove his lack of intelligence, which is a funny section. “I don’t believe that pro wrestling is fixed/Elvis’ death was really a media trick/OJ’s gloves didn’t fit/So we must acquit.” This one had me laughing out loud several times. Then “O Come, O Come, Emanuel” becomes “Oh Come, Oh Come, I Read The Manual,” and is about the frustrations parents suffer while trying to put together certain items for their children on Christmas Eve. What is particularly wonderful about this track is that it is delivered in a serious tone, the vocals backed by an organ that comes right from some high mass.

“Santa Got Stuck In The Chimney Flue” is an original song, not a parody. It’s about a serious Christmas problem that should concern us all. And the characters do their best to solve the problem: “Now we’ve cut down his intake of food/We dropped Jane Fonda tapes to view/When stuck up there, he really tries/But it’s awful hard to aerobicize.” Then “Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow” becomes “Shovel Snow, Shovel Snow.” Living in Los Angeles, this is something I no longer have to worry about. But I was back east at the beginning of the month, and was out there in my sneakers shoveling snow, and it didn’t take long for me to remember how much I dislike doing that. So anyway, I love this one. Megan McDonough sings lead on it. “Oh, there’s simply no way to stop it/And I want to move to the tropics/Let’s clean that path and go/Shovel snow, shovel snow, shovel snow.” And “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” becomes “Santa Claus Is Running Through Town.” Hey, Santa has to deliver toys even in the worst neighborhoods, right? Well, this song is about the troubles he encounters in some of the more questionable areas of town. “So Santa is scared he might come to harm/He’s wishing that he had installed an alarm.”

Another important Christmas tradition is football, and to honor that tradition, “The First Noel” here becomes “The First Bowl Game.” “On sofas where they lay keeping the score/Under cold wifely stares they watch evermore/Cotton Bowl, Orange Bowl/Rose Bowl, toilet bowl.” Then “Winter Wonderland” becomes “Wonder Why I’m In A Winterland.” Oh yes, when I was shoveling snow recently, I wondered again why anyone lives in a place cold enough for snow. “I really hate this cold sensation/This is a case for hibernation.” Indeed! The album concludes with another original number, “Santa’s Got A Zoot Suit,” which is a jazzy, cool tune, featuring more great work from the backing vocalists and the horns, as well as a delicious beat. “Merry Christmas, boys/He’s delivered the toys/And now it’s time to play.”

CD Track List

1. Fruitcakes For Christmas (Silver Bells)
2. Folly, Old St. Nicholas
3. What Present’s This
4. Do You Fear What I Fear
5. Oh Tom Got Bombed (O Tanenbaum)
6. Mark And Harold (Hark The Herald)
7. Candy Cane Twist
8. The Little Drummer Boy
9. Oh Come, Oh Come, I Read The Manual
10. Santa Got Stuck In The Chimney Flue
11. Shovel Snow, Shovel Snow
12. Santa Claus Was Running Through Town
13. The First Bowl Game
14. Wonder Why I’m In A Winterland
15. Santa’s Got A Zoot Suit

Dave Rudolf’s Completely Cracked Christmas! was released in 1999.